Child Birth – Man’s Eye View

This is a tense time, no doubt! Girls, it must be insane and God only knows how you do it… fair play to you.

Any bloke with kids that doesn’t think his wife (at the moment of child birth) is unreal needs a good slap. We can’t ever begin to appreciate what it feels like and to be honest I don’t want to know.

Everyone has their story and we all have friends that have been through hell and back bringing wee ones into the world. Ours, I am glad to say, was one of the good ones. Considering my Mrs nearly passes out at the sight of her own blood she nailed this without any problem.

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So, the wife has a bad night’s sleep and felt a bit “off it” so we decided to call the hospital to check everything out. “Come in” they said, for a check up to make sure all was well. I automatically panicked and started shouting at her to get up and stop cleaning the floors. What woman in her right mind would be on her hands and knees cleaning the floor while potentially in labour??!

Baby clothes, food and drinks containing more sugar than we had ingested in our entire lives were packed in the car and driving very carefully, but at speed, we made our way.

Feeling like pathetic fakes we wandered in to meet the midwives for our check up. The levels of man panic were gently increasing by the second, more so for fear of the wife in pain rather than being a dad.

Wife & I – “We’re sorry for wasting your time but just wanted to check in.” Check up commenced.

Me – “So how’s it looking?”

Nurse – “Ummmm, your about eight centimetres.”

Me – “Should we come back then?”

Nurse – “You (wife) get in the bath, you (me) go and get the bags. She’s not going anywhere!”

Holy s*** this is happening. Run! Now, I have a broken knee and can’t run to save my life but on this occasion I absolutely flew.

Gathering up the bags and briefly wondering how much parking would cost, I nailed it back to the ward at what seemed like Usain Bolt speed. To this point I nearly passed out but managed to gather myself before entering.


While the wife was chilling out in the birthing pool getting ready for the main event I was pacing. Over the six hours of waiting I sat down for fifteen minutes in the massage chair. I was freaking out and probably not helping the wife relax.


During the baby marathon none of our energy drinks were drunk or food eaten but we both had a good go of the gas and air.

When it happened my god it was amazing.

I can’t describe how it felt but all I know is, it went by in a flash. As the bloke we are completely useless and are generally hated by our wives in moments of pain.

It’s so much better than I imagined and far less scary but all I know is, next time I’m going to freak out and panic just the same!

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